


Still Life with Decapitated Unicorn (or The Enchanted Forest, by CK)

by brainofck



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Animal Transformation, Dragons, Griffins, M/M, Prostitution, Stranded, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 06:37:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/936576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brainofck/pseuds/brainofck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An Ancient device creates problems for Jack and Daniel, stranded offworld, as well as for their rescuers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Life with Decapitated Unicorn (or The Enchanted Forest, by CK)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my entry in [the 2007 Jack/Daniel Ficathon](http://greensilver.livejournal.com/397791.html), hosted by Greensilver.
> 
> I received what appeared to me to be _the lone crack!fic_ assignment. Envy me. Or pity me. It could go either way.
> 
> So, without further ado, kuonji14 requested:
> 
> Two (2) Requirements: Unicorn(s). Telephone(s). Optional Request: Anything goes! Surprise me. :) My original request was for 'Daniel as a prostitute'. If you can somehow still work that in, I will a) squeeeee b) laugh like a loon and c) give you cookies! :D

> 
> *holds out hand impatiently for cookies* *taps foot*
> 
> Man. Considering the cracky prompts this chick thought up, maybe I should check the cookies for, you know, substances...

Jack muttered darkly over his dinner, his attention on the room. Something about the Tokra. Daniel was (probably inappropriately) amused that Jack was planning a terrible revenge on Anise for getting them stuck on this planet, as he employed his extensive black ops training and experience to plan a dine and dash from a little alien inn.

"What are you laughing at?" Jack snapped.

Daniel took a big bite of bread and butter and tried to look innocent. Their meal, a sort of beefy tasting stew with not-quite-potatoes and fluorescent pink carroty-type things, was nearly done. It would be time to get out soon. Daniel sopped up the rest of his broth with the bread and let Jack worry about their exit strategy. 

"We've got company," Jack said to him by way of warning.

Daniel looked up. Several of the other patrons in the dining room had been watching them all evening, some openly staring. Under other circumstances, Jack would have done something about it. Daniel could tell he'd been restraining himself. Now, one of them had finally gotten up from his table and was making his unsteady way across the large, crowded room, eyes only for Daniel. He looked like he'd had about three glasses of ale too many.

Daniel leaned back in his chair, getting ready to move, but trying not to let Jack's tension bleed over into him. If things went bad, his job would be to stay alert and stay out of the way until Jack needed him.

As the alien arrived at their table, he tore his eyes from Daniel and turned to Jack, leaning on the table with the palms of both hands. Daniel winced. He could smell the alcohol from here. The guy was big, but Jack would take him out at the knees before he could lift his hands from the table. Daniel wasn't worried.

The alien pitched his voice low, so only Jack and Daniel could hear him.

"I want to suck him. How much?"

"What?" they said together.

"How much to suck his cock?" the alien said, much louder. People at nearby tables turned to watch curiously.

Daniel leaned forward, resisting the urge to shush him.

"What makes you think I'm a..." for a moment he couldn't decide what word to use.

"Night Mover?" the alien supplied helpfully. He laughed, leaning over to take a big sniff of Daniel's hair. Daniel shifted away in surprise. Jack looked like he was about two seconds from popping one of the guy's kneecaps.

"Seriously. What makes him look like a 'Night Mover' to you?" asked Jack venomously. The growl refocused the guy's attention on Jack, who pinned the alien with a stare that had made snakes think twice. The alien wasn’t stupid. He got out of Daniel's personal space, looking genuinely confused.

"The way you're dressed," he stammered. "Strange. Exotic. Like you want to have sex. I'm not mistaken?" The statement sounded uncertain, like a question. 

Daniel cringed. They definitely stood out in the room. These people seemed mostly human, but their skin texture and color was so different -rough, red, and kind of shiny- he thought they were probably well on their way to evolving into a new subspecies. And the men in the room all wore long, loose tunics that hung just below the knee, with similar loose trousers disappearing into high boots. BDUs were a snug fit by comparison to the modest local dress, and he and Jack had ringed down to the planet without even their jackets, leaving their arms bare and their upper bodies practically on display.

"And you _smell_ like it," he said, turning back to Daniel and looking like he wanted to lean in for another sniff. "You want sex. You crave it. You smell absolutely desperate for it. Lots of it. Praise the stars, I bet you smell even better... I bet your juice tastes amazing... How much?" he asked again, staring in to Daniel's eyes.

So apparently, he smelled horny as hell. And this guy had smelled him from yards away. He must be putting out pheromones that were being picked up by every alien in the room. And the smell of his deprived libido had an aphrodisiac effect.

Disturbing, disturbing thoughts.

"Fifty _tenar_ ," Daniel said, just as Jack said, "Not for sale, buddy."

The man looked back and forth between them in confusion.

"For one thing," Jack asked tightly, "How much trouble is he gonna be in if you two get caught?" The question was clearly for Daniel's benefit. Daniel glared daggers at him.

"Trouble?" The alien looked at them blankly.

"Trou-ble," Jack repeated, breaking down the word into syllables like he was speaking to someone mentally deficient.

"What Jack means is, we're not from around here. We travel a lot. There are many places where, um, _Night Movers_ are not allowed to exchange sex for money. They can get in a lot of trouble."

"Then how do you get paid?" the alien asked, clearly confused. 

"So Night Movers are allowed to practice their trade here? Without trouble from the authorities?"

"Of course!" the man replied. "As long as it is night..." He seemed nonplussed by their ignorance.

"Fifty," Daniel repeated firmly. Now it was Jack's turn to glare, mouth setting into a thin, angry line. 

"That's a lot," the alien said in surprise.

"I'm worth it," Daniel said, arranging himself in the chair to show off his long legs and (hopefully) enticing crotch. "Think how good I'll smell there," he said, just barely tilting his chin down. The alien's eyes glazed over just a little. Jack gave a disapproving snort.

"I'll pay you one hundred if we can do it right here," the alien offered breathlessly.

"Is _that_ legal?" Daniel asked him slyly.

"Well, not exactly," the man confessed.

" _No_!" Jack hissed at Daniel.

"Sit down. Join us," Daniel said, pushing out the chair at the end of the table furthest from the room, between himself and Jack.

The man sat awkwardly, still tipsy, and obviously nervous to be getting closer to Jack.

"I said no, Daniel," Jack said. 

"I didn't ask you, Jack," Daniel's reply was a sing-song. To the alien he said, "I'm afraid I need to see the _tenar_ before we get started." The man eagerly groped through pockets hidden in the loose folds of this tunic and produced two hands full of large, heavy coins. Daniel casually flicked one to the floor.

"Oh, dear. I think you dropped one." The alien chuckled, leered, and disappeared beneath the table.

* * *

"Daniel," Jack warned. What the hell was Daniel thinking? They did not have to whore Daniel out for money. They could probably just wash dishes in this place or something.

"Just keep an eye on the crowd, Jack," Daniel replied, voice hitching a little. He rested his hands in loose fists on either side of his bowl and stared Jack down, only minimal body movements suggesting what might be going on under the table.

Oh, but those small indicators were killing Jack. The way Daniel's hips shifted forward and he slumped a little more in his seat just at the beginning, probably to give better access to his fly. The way his head tipped to rest on the back of the chair. The slight flare of his nostrils. The way he was breathing harder. 

Jack observed all of it in his peripheral vision as he kept his roving gaze on the room. While nobody approached them, he caught a few knowing glances from some of the aliens who had been watching their table. More alarmingly, the landlord, pausing between customers to take a sip of his own strong honeyed ale, gave Jack a little quirk of a smile.

Daniel gave a hitching gasp that brought Jack's attention back to him. His mouth was open – lips parted. He was in the obvious rictus of orgasm, his hands clenched on the table top, white-knuckled. Jack guessed that Daniel wasn't used to having to be quiet during sex. He refused to acknowledge that watching Daniel struggle through a silent orgasm was making him hard.

Apparently the guy under the table noticed. His stubby fingered, paw-like hand wrapped oh-so-lightly around Jack's calf.

"I would pay another fifty tenar to..." came the muffled offer.

It was all Jack could do to stop himself from kicking the guy. Hard. Daniel cut off Jack's reply.

"No, we do not agree to that," Daniel said simply. Maybe the guy smelled how much he'd pissed Jack off, because his hand was gone instantly.

He emerged from under the table, licking his lips and looking very pleased. His long tunic hid his possible reaction. Jack glowered and was glad he couldn't smell any alien spunk from here. The guy probably needed to wash his pants. Jack stabbed viciously at the last of his near-beef and glared at his friend as Daniel caught his breath and tried to subtly pull himself together, buttoning his fly and taking a long pull on his mug of watered wine.

* * *

The landlord came over to the table.

"How long do you gentlemen plan to grace my establishment?" he asked pleasantly.

"Probably not long," Jack said. "We're just passing through. Usually we rough it, but we lost our equipment in the big storm a couple of nights ago."

The man nodded in sympathetic understanding.

"It's much too cold to be sleeping outside these nights. I'd be very happy if you would stay here until you move on. It's been years since I've had – well – _any_ Night Movers in my public rooms, much less two of your quality." He smiled hopefully. "I know the usual arrangements. I'll give you your meals for free and a room at half price if you will use my common rooms for your practice while you are here. Though I would like to ask that you not ply your trade so publicly. I can arrange for you to have much more private booths in the back."

"What makes you think we're such high quality?" asked Daniel curiously. The pupils of the alien's slitted yellow eyes dilated, then constricted. Daniel interpreted this to be surprise. 

"All praise the Red Mistress, but you smell fantastic!" he exclaimed with a huge grin. "Of course, you come off as a little threatening," said the man to Jack, "But the jealousy and possessiveness just make him all the more desirable. Mistress! This place hasn't smelled so..." he paused meaningfully, "...ever!" He couldn't seem to stop smiling. 

Yeah. Jack could see the crowd was getting pretty friendly, aliens pairing off all around the room, heads together, feeding each other. He and Daniel were causing this?

"All right, all right. You said the room's half price?"

"Ten _tenar_ a night," the landlord said amiably. "Though it seems a shame for you to leave so early."

"I just gave everybody a floor show," Daniel said with a charming smile, "And we've been on the road for a couple of days. Oh!" he said, suddenly realizing. "Maybe you can help us! We're trying to find this." Daniel took the man's pen from his apron and sketched a Stargate on the back of their bill. 

The landlord considered it a moment.

"It would be pretty big," Daniel prompted.

"You would want to talk to Old Mawd about that," he said slowly. "But of course Old Mawd died of the _manto_ cough two seasons ago."

"Of course," Daniel said.

"I've heard stories about the Enchanted Forest..."

"Now we're in Disney Land," Jack muttered. The alien looked at him quizzically. Daniel kicked Jack's boot under the table. The landlord noted their exchange and apparently decided not to ask.

"Supposedly there is a large ring, similar to the one you describe, that surrounds a mystical pool."

"Mystical because it stands on its edge?" Daniel guessed.

The alien nodded.

"Sounds like we found it. How far to this Enchanted Forest?" asked Jack.

The alien blinked rapidly.

"It is very near. But surely you cannot be planning to enter it. Those who go in do not emerge."

"Then how do you know about the ring?" Daniel asked gently.

"Old Mawd knew many things," said the alien, suddenly sounding frightened. If Jack could smell jealous and Daniel could smell sex-starved, he supposed it was possible that he and Jack might smell determined. Or just plain crazy.

"OK, so what's so enchanted about this forest?" Jack asked.

"There are beasts there. Magical beasts that only live in the forest and sometimes emerge to roam our countryside. You should not go there! Three days ago, a dragon was seen, a great black beast, flying in huge circles in the clouds. Many witnesses saw it take from Zintag's flock of _meewas_!"

"We'll take it under consideration," Jack said. "Here's your ten whatsits," he said, belying his inability to remember what they were called with his ability to correctly choose a ten _tenar_ coin. At least Daniel was pretty sure that was the ten _tenar_ coin. The writing was close to Ancient, which was probably how Jack had figured it out. The landlord pocketed the coin and led them upstairs.

* * *

The room was clean, quiet, and warm. 

Jack hoped it was soundproof, too.

"Do you think the language problem is because we didn't arrive through the Gate?" Daniel mused as he began making a circuit of the simple room.

"What the _hell_ was that?" Jack growled, ignoring Daniel's question.

Daniel had the nerve to give him that blank, confused look.

"Since when are you a whore, Daniel?" Daniel opened his mouth, probably to defend himself, but Jack cut him off. "Not to mention that I was giving you direct orders down there and you were _completely_ ignoring me."

"I performed a low risk sex act and solved a lot of problems in about five minutes. I made a judgment call. I turned out to be spectacularly right. I wonder if there are any Earth cultures where prostitution is encouraged if it is practiced under the cover of darkness?"

Jack hated when Daniel took that oh-so-reasonable tone and then played the distracted academic. His voice went up several decibels. He advanced on Daniel, prodding him in the breastbone with a hard, pointy finger.

"Maybe you can do a little tour when we get home! You could definitely keep the hotel bill down! We're in the field, Daniel, not on some kind of kinky research expedition! Stranded and alone, in case you didn't notice. No backup is going to come and rescue our asses when you're wrong about a 'judgment call.' You let me make judgments like that."

"Well, maybe you aren't capable of making a judgment call like that!" Daniel fired back, his voice also rising. "Don't make me bring up the giant pink elephant with purple spots tap dancing in the middle of the room."

"What?" Jack asked, thrown off his rant by Daniel's apparent change of subject.

"'Jealous' and 'possessive' were the words used!"

Jack snorted. "I don't buy that crap about them smelling stuff about us."

"Why not? They had me pegged."

Jack blinked at him. This conversation was going in completely the wrong direction. A direction that was going to quickly revive the inappropriate hard on of earlier. Jack backed down, turning away and scrubbing tiredly at his face with both hands.

"Look, forget it. I just would _appreciate_ it if you would at least _pretend_ that I'm in command while we are in the field. Could you do that?"

Daniel followed him, crowding into his personal space.

"Only one bed," he said breathily. Oh. Jack did not need to know that Daniel could talk like that.

"You take the bed, it's probably got bedbugs anyway. I’ll snooze in the chair by the fire."

"Jack," Daniel said, sounding extremely disappointed. He pouted a little. "You have all night alone with a man so sex-starved he's willing to perform sex acts with strangers for money. What would I be willing to do for _you_?"

"Daniel, let it go," Jack growled.

"Do you want to suck me, like that guy down there did? I saw you watching, even though you pretended you weren't. Or do you want me to suck you? I'm pretty good at it." Jack must have flinched, because Daniel's smile turned predatory. 

"Or you could just fu –"

Jack couldn't take it anymore. He caught Daniel's chin in a bruising grip, grabbing his bicep in the other fist, and kissed him, hard and nasty, backing him up 'til the bed crashed into the back of his knees and he went down with a surprised yelp. Jack pressed him into the too-soft mattress with a forearm across his throat as he worked first his own fly, then Daniel's. Pressing their naked groins together, he swallowed Daniel's stammered, half-formed protests, pressed into him a few times, and covered him in hot, sticky cum. Daniel swore as he followed along, his own orgasm tripped by Jack's.

Jack allowed himself the luxury of lying there just a few minutes, kissing Daniel gently now, breathing his air, feeling him relax underneath him as he realized Jack was done with whatever he was going to do. When he took a breath to speak, Jack looked him hard in the eyes, and kissed him one last gentle time, then got up and went to the wash basin in the corner to clean off. 

Daniel didn't say a word.

* * *

He’d been gone from the bed before Daniel had woken; but being Jack, had cut off any attempt to talk about what happened the night before. Under the circumstances, Daniel figured any conversation would have to wait until they got back home, or at least until they found a safe place and started thinking about sleeping arrangements again.

"So, that's a harpy, a yeti, a naga, a variety of dryads, a chimera, a minotaur, a manticore, and, oh yes, a hydra in the pond we passed. I think the only reason we haven't been torn limb from limb is that griffin that keeps following us."

"There are wolves, too," Jack replied grimly, eyeing their catlike escort, and trying to catch a glimpse of the wolves that had been fading in and out of the shadows. Daniel looked around quickly. Well, if he was going to be eaten alive by imaginary monsters, at least he'd gotten laid one last time first.

"So, enchanted forest?" Jack said lightly.

"Not Disney Land," Daniel agreed. "I think that dragon keeps making passes over us, too. The wolves and griffin aren't going to be able to protect us from that."

"Let's find the Gate and get the hell out of here," Jack advocated. 

As if by magic, Daniel caught the glint of sunlight on naquadah through the trees. He looked at Jack. They had been searching for hours.

"Should have thought of wishing aloud for the Gate ages ago," Jack said with a thin smile. 

They arrived in the clearing, and there was the Gate. But it was the stele in the middle of the clearing that caught both their attention.

"Remind you of anything?" asked Jack.

"I'd say Thor's Hammer, but the markings aren't Asgard. They look sort of like Ancient."

"They've already sent a MALP," Jack noted. "Anise must have been able to give them the Gate address to find us." Jack went cautiously through the clearing. "And would you look at that?" Jack said, lowering his voice almost to a whisper.

There was gear all around the MALP. The staff weapon was clearly Teal'c's, the smaller boots probably Sam's. Clothes, packs, weapons in little collapsed piles in front of the Gate. Jack moved forward cautiously, making a straight line for the nearest pile of clothing and the P-90 resting on top of it. The badge on the crumpled sleeve indicated SG-14.

The griffin growled a warning. Suddenly the dragon swooped down, practically perching on top of the MALP. It hissed menacingly, extending its neck toward Jack. On its forehead was a familiar gold marking. That could not be good.

Jack went down on one knee, but the dragon, which Daniel was certain somehow had to be Teal'c, made no further move. Daniel nervously turned his attention to the stele, trying to figure out what it did. 

He found the off switch just as the light flashed. 

When Daniel looked up, the dragon was lifting off in a windstorm of black wings, the griffin had melted into the forest, and a beautiful, graceful creature bounded into the shrubbery.

Jack was nowhere to be seen. His clothes were in a deflated pile where he had been kneeling. The unicorn's backward glance had revealed soulful brown eyes.

Daniel slowly leaned forward, pressing his head to the cool naquadah of the stele.

* * *

Daniel sat in the briefing room, feeling ridiculous. He had just spent hours on the telephone personally recruiting this team. Because General Hammond couldn't exactly call his elite personnel and ask, "Are you a virgin?"

But you now what they said about virgins and unicorns. He wanted to be sure he went back to the planet properly prepared.

The group consisted of SG-2, SG-16, and SG-V, as Daniel's sleep-deprived brain had christened the group. Six confessed virgins, five women and one blushing man. Daniel ran the briefing.

"The stele is very simple. The controls are clearly labeled. All we have to do is bring the transformed humans back into the clearing, press the 'restore' button, and let the device work its magic."

"I'm pretty sure our people are a large black dragon, a griffin, a group of wolves – I'm going under the assumption that they might be werewolves – and..." Daniel paused and sighed, trying not to look at SG-V. "...a unicorn."

* * *

"I'm starting to think this whole virgin thing is a crock," Major Jeffries' voice crackled over the radio.

"Thanks a lot," came the response from Lieutenant Patel. "Way to tell everybody."

"We all knew, anyway," said some guy from SG-16 whose name Daniel could never remember. Bickering ensued, as they continued their fruitless search for the members of SG-1.

Daniel lay flat on his back in the pleasant meadow, enjoying the peace and quiet of the Enchanted Forest just a little longer before he called in the rest of the search party. He chewed a stem of grass, and watched the puffy white clouds roll across the perfect blue sky as the unicorn grazed placidly next to him. The griffin lay somewhere behind his head, her purr a low, soothing rumble. The dragon ruffled and resettled its wings, watching over them all serenely.

Eventually Daniel sighed and sat up. The unicorn raised its noble head. The great cat stopped purring and surged to her feet.

"Time to go, guys."

* * *

Ferretti nervously gripped his weapon as the dragon swooped into the clearing. 

"I know you said, don't shoot..." he muttered.

"Don't," Daniel growled. "I told you, it's Teal'c, and he hasn't done anything but try to warn Jack away from the danger zone. Look," Daniel said, pointing to the animal as it docilely settled in the large clearing in front of the Stargate. Daniel pressed the button, light flashed, and there was Teal'c, bald head, symbiote pouch, and all.

He bowed to Daniel with a small smile and went to collect his gear and get dressed. Daniel tried not to smirk as every one of the virgins pretended not to watch.

The griffin prowled to the spot the dragon had just vacated. 

"Avert your eyes, gentlemen," Daniel said, as he pressed the button again. Flash of light, and there was Sam, her hair a little more ruffled than usual.

"Thanks, Daniel," she said. Daniel imagined her voice was rough around the edges.

"Whoa!" said Ferretti, looking away guiltily. Sam just snorted at his embarrassment and went over to her own pile of clothes.

"I told you," said Daniel with amusement.

"But that means..." Ferretti stammered. "I mean, the Colonel is?" He looked shell-shocked as the unicorn stepped into the clearing, beautiful, white, and pure, with a single, twisting silver horn. It came forward to nuzzle Daniel. 

"Go on," Daniel encouraged the beast, gently pushing against his shoulder, shoving in the direction of the Stargate. Flash of light, and there was their old, grizzled, slightly bitter O'Neill standing in the animal's place.

Daniel snickered as the searchers frankly stared at Jack's newly materialized form.

"What?!" he demanded belligerently. 

All of SG-V blushed to their roots. Even Jim Henderson.

* * *

The telephone call had left Daniel shaken. He flipped open his phone and began dialing, then changed his mind. This was a conversation that needed to occur face-to-face.

He drove to Jack's house instead. 

Daniel pounded on the door. He heard Jack's feet in the hall.

"Just so you know, person outside my door. I have my personal weapon in my hand. If you have a unicorn, I'm giving you five seconds to get the hell off my property before I shoot something important to you."

"Jack, open the damned door and quit threatening people with your 'personal weapon.'"

Jack opened the door.

"Why hello, Daniel. What a pleasant surprise."

Daniel pushed his way into the hall, a bit startled to note after the fact that Jack was indeed carrying his gun. Then Daniel saw them. Unicorns. Large and small. Mainly stuffed animals (more than one decorated with pink ribbons around their furry necks), including a truly huge one in the corner Jack could probably ride. Tiny ceramic ones, with gold horns and hoofs. One black one with a silver horn. Mostly kitschy, though a few had the dignity of the real animal. On the coffee table was a pile of other unicorn paraphernalia. 

It appeared to Daniel that several of the stuffed ones had been shot. And there were shards of broken pottery on the floor, like something delicate had been crushed under a heavily-booted foot.

"Um..."

"Always nice to see you, Daniel, but did you need something?"

"Um..." he said again, trying to get his mind back to the task at hand. "Yes. General Hammond called me. Have you really applied for a transfer?"

Jack didn't dignify that with a response.

"OK. Why?! It can't be because of this!"

"No," Jack replied venomously. "But there will be horribly mutilated unicorn corpses appearing all around the SGC Monday."

"Oookaaay," said Daniel slowly, eyeing Jack's gun suspiciously. "So why?"

"You said it. Back on that planet. I probably couldn't make an appropriate judgment call about a situation like that. Well, you're partially right. You _do_ impair my judgment," Jack accused, aborting a gesture with his right hand, which was still holding the gun. He set the safety and placed the gun down on the table by the front door before coming down into the living room. He viciously kicked a couple of stuffed toys out of the way on his way to the kitchen. 

"I do not!" Daniel shouted in disbelief. "You have excellent judgment. I just ignore it in favor of my own. And that's never stopped you from doing whatever you felt needed to be done, in spite of my actions!"

"Nice of you to admit it," Jack said acidly. "But the fact is, what I did was not acceptable. Plus, I'm too old for this crap. Knees, back, neck. I can't take the abuse like I used to." 

Jack popped the lid on a fresh bottle of Guinness. Daniel didn’t like the look of the long row of empties lined up on the counter – Jack's way of keeping track of how much he'd drunk when he was on a real bender. Daniel should have been tipped off by the gun. Jack never looked drunk, he just got weird. 

Daniel reached out and took the bottle from Jack's fingers. He tipped it back and took a long drink, watching Jack watch him. He lowered the bottle and let his lips stay wet, watched Jack lick his own lips, like he wanted to taste what was on Daniel's. Daniel set the bottle aside and covered the small distance between them, Jack retreating until he bumped into the counter and there was nowhere else for him to go.

"What did you do, Jack?"

Jack licked the beer from Daniel's lips.

"I fell for you," Jack whispered, lips brushing Daniel's. "And then I jumped you and humped you. I did do that, right? Right there in the field. You came on to me with that voice and that whore talk and I wanted to fuck you, but I just rubbed off on you instead."

"It was a terrible error in judgment," Daniel agreed, letting his voice roughen. "You should have fucked me. I would have loved it."

"Jeffries was right. That whole virgin thing _is_ a crock."

"I'd be a virgin for you," Daniel assured him, watching Jack's hazy confusion with amusement. Then he kissed him. Long and sweet and gentle.

"You're not transferring," Daniel said. "The general sent me over here to talk sense into you."

"Not talking now," said Jack, and resumed the kiss where Daniel had left off, but maneuvering them out of the kitchen in a complex and uncoordinated dance that landed Daniel in a pile of stuffed animals with at least six horns prodding him in various body parts. 

Jack followed him, and they made several innocent toys much less innocent before they finally made their way to Jack's bed to sleep an exhausted sleep.

* * *

On Monday, Ferretti's office was practically filled with the body of a white beast, head severed and hanging by threads, burned by a staff blast, with its broken horn lying across Ferretti's desk.

Later that night, he found that his cellphone faceplate had been changed. It had been replaced with one picturing a holographic image of a unicorn against a field of stars. In horror, he tried popping it off, but whoever had put it there had made sure it would never come off again.

The End

Also, the one that wouldn't fit Ferretti's phone:

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was having a TERRIBLE time getting this to be porn. I kept coming up with excellent story idea after excellent story idea, all including prostition, and yet, no slash for the ficathon! It was mission!fic all the way. How could that happen? I didn't know my Brain could even do that. 
> 
> I was whining to Green_Grrl. In an attempt to be helpful, [she suggested this](http://green-grrl.livejournal.com/54383.html).
> 
> I love Green_Grrl. She is so totally sick and twisted. Also, ass-cherry is, like, the nastiest, funniest phrase ever. Just sayin'.


End file.
